One of my best friends asked me if I’m writing anymore. For the record, I haven’t written much of anything since May. The reason, I told him like a douchebag, is simple: money and time.
I work full-time at a job that requires at least 6 hours a week on the road, commuting back up and down 90 and 95 in the Greater Boston area. For somebody like me--bipolar, anxious, paranoid--there’s nothing worse. While I’m on-site, I’m occupied. Photography and graphic design have simply become easier pursuits and that’s where I try to put my extracurricular efforts. That being said, there’s something more at play for me.
I haven’t seen anything worth reading in months (maybe years). Based on headlines, it’s either disinformation, propaganda, sponsored content, or hype. The rage I feel at the nonsense that pours out of the media makes it hard to tell my own story. I feel detached from a larger reality that most seem to occupy.
Example A: the recent New York Times expose on President Donald Trump’s wealth, or lack thereof. I never read the story and didn’t care to. Not because it didn’t jive with my sense of the universe; instead, I was dumbstruck that it took a New York Times investigation for people to realize that Trump’s broke. There’s been a Trump story dominating the headlines every day for about 5 years. I have intimate knowledge of addiction and people are addicted to the president. For many, that screams dollar signs.
The reader may think I’m exaggerating with what I’m about to say. That’s fine, but I urge that reader to go work in the media or consult somebody who does. Fact is, media consumption relies on developing content addicts and microdosing them with what the data shows they will click on. As an addict, I recognize the signs and do my best to turn my attention elsewhere. In my mind, there’s only one story worth discussing right now: RACISM. But even that seems too hard for people because they can’t understand that we are all responsible, in some way shape or form, and the only way to advance the discussion is to come to terms with that harsh reality. The News won’t allow that to happen because it turns off readers. It’s much easier to focus on Blue Lives Matter antics and Oval Office ridiculousness, than to remind the American people that we’ve all been pieces of shit to each other for far too long.
As a person with hopes and dreams of turning my content into something worth a damn, it’s especially hard to commit to the business end of whatever the operation is. It’s hard to try to develop a following when I’m not so sure I’m worth somebody else’s time of day. It’s extremely hard to sell my product and/or idea because I don’t really have enough time to shop it around appropriately. In other words, I don’t have the infrastructure in place to accomplish what I want to accomplish. If I didn’t work full-time, I could devote more time to the things I enjoy. Unfortunately, I’m not independently wealthy enough to focus much time on things that don’t pay me immediately (at least right now).
As far as freelancing goes, well, I have zero time or desire to write for somebody else what they can’t write themselves. Moreover, I have no interest in the media or anything that comes out of it until there’s an adult in the room. I don’t want to be in the business of feeding addictions, hyping assets, or distributing any sort of propaganda that has the ability to move markets. The feeling I have now is, most aren’t ready to break that cycle and I’m not going to be in the business of trying to change the way people think. Until then, I’m happy on the sidelines.