An Interview With Myself in Isolation

Interviewer: Name?

Me: Nate Boroyan

Interviewer: Age?

Me: Thirty.

Interviewer: Occupation?

Me: Writer, I guess.

Interviewer: You guess?

Me: Yeah, it’s complicated. That’s just what I say. I like telling stories.

Interviewer: Your file says you work at a driving range.

Me: Well yeah, it’s how I make money.

Interviewer: So you’re not a writer. Why the deception?

Me: I don’t know, it’s just—

Interviewer: would you consider this a delusion of grandeur?

Me: What?

Interviewer: Labeling yourself a writer when in fact you work at a driving range? Do they pay you to write?

Me: I don’t think so, and no.

Interviewer: It says here you have Bipolar Disorder, is that true?

Me: That’s what I’ve been told.

Interviewer: So, given that admission, is it not inaccurate to conclude that your deception may very well be a grandiose delusion?

Me: But I do write.

Interviewer: You don’t get paid for that.

Me: Not yet, but—

Interviewer: Do you have any business experience?

Me: Not exactly

Interviewer: But I also see, you’re trying to start a business.

Me: Yes.

Interviewer: So, without any business experience, you decided to start one. You work at a driving range, but you classify yourself as a writer. Are you on medication?

Me: Yes, multiple. What’s this a—

Interviewer: Is it reasonable to suggest that your condition impacts your judgment?

Me: I have no idea. My therapists say I’m fine, so I use them as a reference.

Interviewer: Do you believe the news if fake?

Me: What?

Interviewer: Do you believe the news is fake.

Me: I mean, some of it.

Interviewer: Explain.

Me: It’s complicated.

Interviewer: are you suggesting I wouldn’t understand?

Me: no, it’s just—

Interviewer: Would you consider yourself a paranoid person?

Me: Um, certain things make me nervous.

Interviewer: Hmm, explain.

Me: In a nutshell, I think the world is moving to fast for anybody to reasonably keep up with. It helps me slow down to tune things out that I can’t control.

Interviewer: So there’s a conspiracy against you?

Me: I don’t believe so.

Interviewer: would you call yourself a survivalist?

Me: Not really.

Interviewer: Not really?

Me: Yeah, I mean, I think a lot of shit is pointless. But I own a PlayStation so I think that rules out being a survivalist.

Interviewer: I saw you enjoy video games. Would you consider yourself an incel?

Me: OK, I’m done.

Interviewer: You’re registered as an Independent? Why do you hate Democrats?

Me: I like Bernie Sanders.

Interviewer: So you’re a Socialist?

Me: What?

Interviewer: I have a client at 3 p.m. Thank you for your time.