Why I'm Building This

NK was created to help tell a story about recovery, the lack of equity in the American healthcare system, and the struggle to be heard and seen on one’s own terms.

At 26, my life and career were put on hold after experiencing a manic episode, brought on, in part, by stress. I was hospitalized and later diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. During therapy, it became clear how much work had to be done and how much time it would take. Characterized by severe mood swings, manic-depression is lifelong. Management involves medication, therapy, and behavior modification.

Despite the circumstances I found myself in, I was hesitant to embrace change: I didn’t want medication to make me a zombie; I didn’t want to commit to weekly appointments with a stranger, and I was worried that changing my behavior would take away from work. As a writer, I was used to and inspired by the 24-hour information cycle. I binged on tobacco and Adderall like I assumed so many others were and had no reason to think changing my behavior would make it easier to advance my career. The thought of slowing down felt like a death sentence.

For me, a couple of years of limited sleep, 60-hour workweeks, and stimulant-fueled drive fractured my mind and unleashed previously dormant parts of the condition I had probably been dealing with most of my life, without evidence that I needed some form of treatment. The addictions that I believed were necessary to keep up with work were fueling mania, which, frustratingly, can be excellent for demanding, fast-paced jobs. Not needing a lot of sleep was a plus, insofar as I had a lot of extra hours to do work away from the office.

From my perspective, I wasn’t that much different than any of my peers. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses that they have to manage. Personally, I knew I could focus for long periods of time when I was under enough pressure and I enjoyed it. I operated at 120 miles per hour, never concerned with what could happen if I ran out of gas. It felt like this was the best way to make a living as a media professional and the lifestyle offered an excuse for heavy drug use.

For someone living with Bipolar Disorder, working seven days a week on limited sleep while using drugs to keep up with the demands of the job is a recipe for disaster. Breaking that cycle and living a healthy life can be even harder. For me, dedicating my time to regular therapy, medication adjustments, and changing certain behaviors has meant rebuilding my life from the ground up to manage my disorder. It’s not that each individual treatment is time-consuming or that behavior modification interfered with social interactions; it’s communicating with providers, refilling prescriptions, getting there and back, and committing to the process that’s most difficult.

All the time I was spending sitting in traffic, in waiting rooms, on the phone scheduling and planning, made the prospect of handling a full-time job daunting. Indeed, the whole process has felt like a job in itself. NK is the product of trying to make a living as an independent creative on the go--out of necessity rather than choice.

NK’s mission is to provide a different perspective on mental illness and recovery. How a mental illness impacts a person or her/his family can be largely subject to the individual’s environment and socio-economic status. Recovery can also look and feel different depending on a number of factors. Context is what often lacks in these stories. NK looks to shed light on the overlooked details of familiar stories and encourage others to tell theirs, even if they don’t fit the mold.