Why I'm Doing It This Way

At the age of 26, after a hospitalization at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts, writer’s block set in. I was burnt out emotionally from work, addicted to a number of drugs, and coming down from a psychotic break. Nobody, not even my wife, parents, friends, or colleagues knew how much I was suffering mentally. To an extent, neither did I. My career as a reporter and writer had become a cover for dealing with emotions. As long as I was getting paid to put thoughts and words on paper, I had an outlet and the ability to channel manic energy into content and keep depression at bay. When I got sick, everything changed.

The daily double-dose of prescribed adderall I had been giving myself to help fuel all-night work sessions since grad school was replaced with a cocktail of antipsychotics and mood stabilizers. A major depressive episode set in shortly after. Suddenly, I became apathetic to all the problems with the world that I had been so committed to trying to fix. I was in no state to work, let alone be an employee, or keep the social media presence seemingly demanded by today’s creative industries. I was a stay-at-home husband with a mental illness, no income, and paranoid about re-entering “normal” day-to-day life.

For those around me, life moved along as normal. There were jobs to go to, projects to complete, events to attend, and moments to post on social media. The more time passed, the harder it felt to rejoin the party. Becoming active again felt like an invitation for others to notice my prolonged personal and professional absence. Recovery and unemployment are boring and I didn’t want to expose myself by writing about my experiences. I had so much to say and so many emotions to sift through that my mind seemed to block itself from letting anything out.

After about two years of silence and relative isolation, the dam started to break. Photography became a way for me to calm my mind, stay in the moment, and engage with people again. With limited infrastructure and zero personal capital, I set out to tell the story of my recovery in pictures. I wanted people to see the world through the eyes of someone with Bipolar Disorder, while attempting to combat any stigma surrounding the condition. That journey, I hoped, would give me something to write about.