Back on Facebook

This is what I feared when I made an account when I was 18. I was about to go to college and didn’t want to look like a loser. I also wanted to “meet” people I would be going to school with. Facebook was my worst nightmare.

I’ve never enjoyed sharing things about myself online. Facebook, at its core, is a public relations tool for the masses and somewhere over the last 12 years, it’s become almost a necessity for normalcy for my generation. Now I feel a need to explain why I haven’t used it for about 4 years. I never considered Facebook, or any form of social media, “real.” But given the ways of the world and my own ambitions, I’m slowly but surely going to start being more active on the platform.

Simply put, I didn’t have the desire or energy to use Facebook after I got sick. I also wasn’t in a place to go public with my mental health struggles and I wasn’t sure Facebook was the most appropriate place to do that. I feared those who didn’t know me would think I was chasing likes or something. Whenever I thought about engaging again, I was reminded why I can’t stand social media in general: it only allows users to tell bits and pieces of a story, but the design has evolved so well, it’s become easier and easier to believe that we really know what’s going on. And not using Facebook seems to be a story in itself.

There’s pressure to participate and present oneself a certain way. I knew I wasn’t in a good place and I thought it’d be fucked up if I tried pretending everything was OK. My team around me—wife, parents, closest friends, therapists, mentors—knew about my situation and that was enough. I didn’t need to give Facebook anymore free content. Part of my job as a reporter was having to see through public relations. When suddenly put in a position where I could, in theory, present myself one way while knowing the truth was a lot more difficult to swallow, it messed with me. Ultimately I decided not to use it and only kept my account active so I could post pictures on Instagram.

During recovery I’ve been trying to come to terms with certain necessary evils and how to manage them. Facebook, it appears, is one of those evils. I’m a writer and a creator who relies on your eyeballs. I imagine for the foreseeable future most of what I publish on Facebook will be related to this project. In time, I see my page becoming more of a place to engage with others again rather than a mere promotional tool. I just have to get comfortable enough in that space again. Please, bear with me.